Hey Chilllleeeee, I hope you have been keeping up with the
self-Celebration Series and exploring your own areas that are causing a lack in
your esteem. And I know you didn’t think I was going to leave you hanging with
last weeks heavy hitter about my previous relationship.
Soooooooo…. Since we are here I want to dive a little deeper
in who I discovered that I was a victim (yes, I said victim) of low esteem. If
you know a little bit about me you already know that the roses were never
bright red, and the green was certainly greener on the side. With that being
side, life was tough but the thoughts of others were tougher. So, what really
happens when our first affirming word or affirming act is from a lover? Well,
in short it could be tragic but in length just allow me to paint this picture
of a twisted conditional love.
While I can’t understand why the age 19 is so significant, I
am completely aware that my mother’s first love broke her heart at the age of
19 and things kinds just went down hill from there. I also know, both my
younger and older sister met their current spouses and children’s father at the
tender age of 19. I too met my quote on quote “Love of my life” at 19.
Prior to my first REAL
relationship I was caught up in youthful lust with a few guys from the
thirty different schools I attended. Of course, they weren’t marriage material
and I was too young to even consider marriage but that did not stop this young
girl from exploring her options. Although my purity was important, my risk to
walk the line of “it could happen” was just a little more important.
By the time I graduated high school and left for college I
had my purity in one hand and my heart in the other. Let’s skip over my
basketball scholarship (I promise I will come back to that) and let’s park it
right in front Panola Rd. When I returned from Phoenix City, Alabama I was
introduced to this fine, young, educated brother by the name of Anthony (I
changed the name). Anthony was pitched to me as this amazing brother that
attended the ELITE Morehouse and had a bright future. Just know, ya girl was
sold at HELLO!
So, here’s the issue. When I actually met him, we bumped
heads. I was aggressive and stern, and he was aggressive and stern. The biggest
difference between our similarities was he had a family that backed him in
everything he did. He also had a degree that was well above my junior college
certificate. Needless to say, I was the weaker person in the relationship and
that meant I was NOT the prize. In his eyes, that is.
When we started dating he would go out of his way to point
out every flaw he saw. He had no problem telling me things like “why can’t you
wrap your mind around this simple concept” or simply deciding to not
communicate at all. Of course, there was some love, love that was contingent
upon agreeing on a thing or when there was something coming against us. Just
know the love was conditional. Yes, I played my role, silent treatments and
walking away.
So how did I get here?
Great question. To be honest, our relationship ended a year
later (chillleeee he dumped me, TUH) but
I was still soul tied to the situation. I was in love with a person that I
didn’t love. My objectivity went out the window the moment he flattered my
brokenness and reeled me in with youthful lust. It wasn’t always bad, but when
the relationship began to quickly travel left, I wasn’t in the position to
leave. I didn’t want to leave, yet I needed to leave. How could I leave such a talented, educated
man? How could I not stay?
Here’s why…
Growing up with a semi present father and a very busy
mother, words of affirmation and love was very sparingly in the house. My
sisters and I had to fight for my mother’s attention and my father’s attention
was everywhere else but home. It was only a matter of time for a young boy to
tell me I was cute or important. It only took one person to tell me that my
flaws were greater than my value. It only took a little bit of harsh words and
some bad treatment to reduce my self-esteem. My self esteem barely had a fight
chance, and that created a victim.
From my upbringing, I learned to discount myself. I learned
that I was only worth what a person was willing to deal with. I had learned to
become more palatable with my words, actions and outer appearance. When I got
into my first relationship, with each critique I learned to recreate myself. I
learned how to be multiple people for his multiple frustrations. I became less
visible and internally frustrated. I began picking up things I didn’t like just
to be a bit more pleasing. I mean, in my mind it made all the sense in the
world. Especially, considering that fact that I didn’t believe I was worth
love.
My self esteem was shot, therefore I had little self-value.
Since there was no self – value, there was no way in the universe I could
happily and authentically celebrate myself. And in turn, there was no way I
could love others. I was screwed, and not like a nail in the wall.
Until, I messed around and found perfect love.
Until Next time,
Sara J.
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