Its Never As Good As The First Time...

“It’s never as good as the first time”, that’s what they say and that’s what I learned to believe. Being raised by a single mother and an interesting step father, I learned quickly to be perfect the first time around. In my household, there wasn’t room for mistakes or error, either your got it right the first time or you were better off not even attempting. I bypassed much hurt and great disappointments, but that was only the beginning. I was smooth sailing; I thought I had figured life out. It was not until I entered my early twenties when I realized I had so much emotional baggage. My need for perfection was hindering all my relationships, and interestingly enough, it manifested in more than one way.

1. Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations can ruin everything; believing that people are not capable of ALL behaviors will certainly leave you disappointed and flabbergasted. Secondly, having expectations on people, places or things will also leave you disillusioned. Either way, expectations are not healthy for any person in any season for any reason. I know what you’re thinking, “how will I hold anyone accountable if I do not hold them to a certain expectation?” That’s a great question, and the answer remains the same. I had a great friend that I admired; she knew what I expected of her and vice versa but when it came time to show her loyalty, she would fail every time. I remember getting so upset and distraught, thinking “how could she do these things to me?” How could she do these things to our friendship? It wasn’t until the umpteenth time she burned me that I realized I was expecting something she could never give to me or anyone else for that matter. She could never live up to my expectations because it was outside of her standard, but I should have never set them in the first place.

Sometimes we forget to believe what a person shows us; we tend to lean on the very words and forget the actions. In this instance, I continually placed expectations based on where I wanted the friendship to go and when ever she would fall out of line, I was left bruised and waning. Be careful of the expectations you place on people that aren’t called to the same standard. You will get burned. It’s the inevitable. 

2. Unnatural Disconnect

While making connections through social media had become easier, making friendships had become the task of the year. While dealing with trying to stay perfect and realizing others weren’t perfect, I began cutting people off at unreasonable rapid rates. I wasn’t perfect, but I learned how to not come off as imperfect. I would watch the crowds, gauge my audience, spectate where necessary and move accordingly. While shifting and shaping into who I needed to be per situation, I noticed others were not doing the same for me. People weren’t so quick to sacrifice where I was willing; people weren’t as giving and the loyalty was SUBPAR! It was driving me crazy and in order to save the little bit of sanity I had left for humanity, I made the executive decision to snip each and every person that didn’t fit the needed build. 

Its unnatural to not make genuine connections with people you consider your friends. We can’t halt our love or patience based on what the other person does. We can’t get mad when they don’t do as we want them to do and when we want them to do it. Relationships are not solely based on performance but the motive behind the person. If the person only knows how to treat people a way that we are not familiar with, it’s a great time to communicate and not cut them off. I know we still live in a world where “Imma just fall back” is still very popular but in hindsight, it stems from brokenness and disappointment. Don’t allow a lack of communication and the need for perfection rob you of a potential friendship or relationship.

3. False Hope

While cutting people off left and right, I had become bitter to the idea of allowing new people in my life. I couldn’t see the point; all THEY were gonna do is act contrary to how I WANTED them to act and I was gonna get mad and never speak to them again. Yes, in that order *Mamma Dee’s voice*. My cut off game had become so strong I couldn’t even fake the funk. I would hang out and make connections with people who were genuinely nice, but I had no intentions of following through. I was in a whirlwind of false hope and reality. I wanted to make connections, but my past wouldn’t allow it. Harsh, I know, but when you have been hurt so many times, the thought process is “why even bother”.

On the outside I looked as if I could maintain healthy friendships, but the truth was I couldn’t get passed the first failures. My first relationship was a complete failure (despite the lessons I learned) and so was my first adult friendships, but it didn’t start there. Growing up in a household that didn’t allow failure, disappointment was unbearable. They say, “It’s never as good as the first time” and I believed them, and you see where that got me. But maybe Sade was on to something, because now I am convinced that after failure there is great success. It may never be as good as the first time, but it can be better. Your new lover may never amount to your first love and your new best friend may never make you laugh as hard as your first best friend did, but the beauty is in the unknown. While failing, we learn, we grow, and we become aware of ourselves and others. Through trial and tribulation, we acquire effective communication and etiquette. We learn how our words and actions impact others and ourselves, with every “first time” we learn the true meaning of failure.

So, lets debunk the myth of first times, and salute to seconds, thirds and fourths because with every chance we give to understand, we are granted more grace and mercy. It may never be as good as the first time, but by golly, it will be better!