On December 31, 2018 around 9 pm, I laid silently on
my nicely made air mattress thinking thoughts about finishing. Although I laid
there fairly lax, my mind was running through the last twelve months. I had
flashbacks of fear and doubt, thoughts of depression and sadness, I felt
moments of isolation and a piece of happiness right at the end. As my thoughts
moved from emotion to emotion, I began to mentally search the birth place of my
adversity. Just as I was about to dive head first into old flesh wounds and grievous
pain, my alarm for buzzed loudly and I had somewhere to be.
By the time I arrived at church for New Years Ever
service, I had forgotten all about my previous thoughts and found myself
engulfed in worship. I found myself wrapped up in tears and joy, yes, joy! Only
after receiving the Word and experiencing joy, I immediately rushed home to lay
the foundation for prayer, fasting and giving.
Now, I want you to know that prayer, fasting and giving isn’t
the most popular blog topic and it also isn’t the conversation starter for “Gals
Night” but it is foundational to spiritual growth. While others stayed up all
night long journaling about what they didn’t accomplish and creating vision boards
for what they wanted to accomplish, I took a different route. Naturally, ya
girl would have been at one of the cities most exclusive events, in the hottest
winter sequined dress with the stunner (stunt on em) pumps and my girls linked arm in arm
but God.
Like the previous two years, I chose church over the
New Year Eve madness (no judgement if you were in them Atlanta streets 😊).
My choice was not contingent upon not finding the perfect “New Year, New Me”
dress, though funds were low nor was it because I ran out of Uber credits
(which I did). I simply decided I wanted to take on this year and not let it take
me.
While taking on this year, there were things I didn’t
engage in. Firstly, I wanted silence. I wanted and needed to hear from God regarding
certain things in my life. Last year, I dug to my deepest parts and attempted
to walk away. It was like being cut open on the surgical table and walking away,
only after seeing the insides. During this time, I THOUGHT I had to be the
doctor while needing to be the patient. I thought I had to administer the anesthesia
and stitch myself up after my very own self-made surgical procedure. I thought,
and I thought wrong.
Secondly, I needed to see what God sees. There had
been and has been so many things spoken over my life and either by happenstance
of by heavenly design, it happened. I once said that I couldn’t see myself
living anywhere other than Dunwoody, and because I spoke it I now live it. But
speaking wasn’t my issue, well speaking the right thing but I needed vision.
When there is so much noise around you, it can be quite distracting but when there
is silence and vision great things follow. I needed vision, but not just sight
to see but sight to be.
Thirdly, I needed tactics. Tackling things in the
world is similar to tackling things in the spiritual. I needed skills that I didn’t
have a degree in. I needed an increased level of insight and wisdom. I needed divine
connections and relationships, and I needed all these things without having to
compromise who I am as a person.
How do you do it? I thought you’d never ask. For
this first 21 days I fasted, prayed and set a monetary giving amount. Now, all three
of these areas tried me in different ways but along the way I discovered
something quite profound and I want to share it with you. Yes, I still struggle
in most areas, yet transparency isn’t one of them. Yes, I still have areas of unbelief,
but I constantly fight to build my faith. And yes, I’m stitching myself up but
I am not doing it alone. I have God leading the way and you supporting while
reading this blog. Here’s my plan for the year, shamelessly drafted by yours truly.
Game
plan for 2019.
1.
I will operate in my gifts, unapologetically.
2.
I will not become less for someone else’s
more.
3.
Trials and tribulations will come, its
apart of growing in faith.
4.
Everyone will not like me (or you).
(this one was really hard to accept because I naturally just love people and I
love creating bonds) But we will keep them lifted in prayer!
5.
I will not succumb to deadlines at the
expense of lowered standards and quality of products.
6.
I commit myself to representing Christ shamelessly!
(hence, shameless reads)
I hope you found solace and joy in this post but
most of all the strength to continue in ordered steps to your best version of
self.
Unit next time,
Sara J.
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