Chilllleeeee. Imma go ahead of myself and put this
disclaimer out there. First and foremost, this blog post sole purpose is to
shed light in areas that are perceived as safe. By no means am I creating or
cultivating you a bedroom play list nor am I encouraging the any type of
unmarried sexual behavior. *wipes forehead
Now that that is out of the way I would like to come
clean about 90’s RnB music and how it shaped my Sex & Love life. Naturally,
I believe I was conceived to some Johnny Gill and Bobby but that a bit before
my imagination. We as humans desire a mate and love to be touched sexually but
there is a time and place for all of that and let’s just say ya girl was
operating at the wrong time and place.
It all started when I was living with parents and two
sisters in a two bedroom apartment in Trotwood, Ohio. I might have been eight,
and I already had discovered a deep love for music. It was nearly an erotic
love, the things the music could do to me when I heard it. I could cry, lay out
on the floor or began in what is now called slow grinding or light twerk. My
father loved Ronald Isley and my mother was a huge fan of artist like Anita
Baker and Sade. Naturally, I thought it was harmless. It wasn’t until I was
walking past my parent’s room with my cassette player and headphones sangin’
“There’s
a meeting in my bedroom, bedroom, bedroom, so girl please don’t be laaattteeee”.
I sang it so loudly unaware of the type of meeting.
Surely this was a good meeting I thought to myself, I mean what are two people
meeting in a bedroom about that could be bad, so I thought. I recall rewinding
and replaying and singing each word so intently until I caught my parent’s
attention. My father got up so quickly and rushed towards me, out of confusion
I continued to sing. My mother rushed towards my father and before I knew it,
my parents both snatched me into their room. I reckon, I was prophesying a
meeting in their bedroom. TUH.
I got a whooping and my cassette privileges were taken
away for three weeks.
I was confused but that didn’t stop my desire to hear
more songs as such and envision the words in my head. I began to learn the
words in secrecy and I wouldn’t dare sing them out loud lest I wanted a repeat
meeting in my parent’s bedroom. This was
the introduction of shame.
Lets fast forward to my high school years, at this point
I was an RnB scholar. You name the down beat and I can name the tune. From
R.Kelly’s ‘Sex Weed’ to 2 Pacs ‘ Thug Passion (unedited) ya girl was on a roll. And so were my thoughts
and my hormones were sexually charged.
I could go down the list of the songs that have
influenced my sexual encounters and stimulated others but like I said in my
disclaimer, I am not here to create a play list but songs like “Tempo Slow, Red
Light Special, I Miss You, Stroke you up, Freak Me, I Still believe, Pony,
Seems like you ready, And This little game we play, etc” have lead me astray and ultimately shaped my
love & sex life. Allow me to give
you the mindless action behind it. I would spend more times focusing on the
words and reliving the emotion behind the artists pain than simply enjoying the
song. I would and could become the pain, the rejection or the passion. I would
penetrate my thoughts in that one area so much so, that when it manifested, I
wasn’t shocked. It was like I literally thought the instance into action. And
when the action came, I was ready to perform. Like the music could start and I
could begin and if the music stopped, I would stop, the strangest form of self
allowed and unaware possession. I had no idea this was happening, I thought I
was innocently listening to music until I became the music. I was ‘Twisted like Keith Sweat, I became
apologetic like Faith Evans in ‘Soon as I get home’. I desired a deep secret
relationship with someone like R. Kelly in ‘Down Low’, but I wanted to be the
Good Girl Joe sang about on his album ‘All that I am’. Most importantly, at
that time I believed that the “Revolving door” of a relationship I was in was
the epitome of “NO ORDINARY LOVE” by Sade. And all I could do was “Say Yes”
like Floetry to the influence. The
influence was all I had, or so I thought…
It wasn’t until years later after actively purifying my
ears until I realized that I had broke my own heart. I had stayed in places and
with people looking to fulfill this emotion that was very real in a song but
had no right in my heart. My heart was affected yet the artist had moved on to
create my next demise.
Now, I am not blaming artists for operating in their
gifts or releasing pent up emotions through words and a fye beat, but I am
placing an elevated responsibility on the listener. It is our job to guard our
hearts, ears and eyes. This is important because we have the power to speak
life and death, now imagine singing a song to the point of belief and being mad
because it manifested. WHO YOU MAD AT? Yourself! Simply imagine singing a song filled
with the vary blessings you wanted to see, WHO GONNA BE GLAD? YOU! (as you
should 😊 )
So, going forward, and from that day I have been sizing
music up by the words and not the beat. This is especially hard in this day in
age where the beats are the hitmakers and the words are a side item. It is so
important that we are not swayed by other’s emotions or by our own that we make
decisions solely based on the influence. One thing I learned is, the influence
comes and go but the consequences are there to stay. Don’t allow someone else
brokenness be the soundtrack to your wholeness. I have survived 90’s RnB music.
I no longer desire that playlist in the background because it is no longer the
soundtrack to my life. And remember, where there is shame there is deception
but where the truth there is no shame.
Have you survived RnB, like truly survived the influence
that music has on you? If so, congratulations and if not, what are you willing
to change in order to be free? Free from influence of the world.
Until Next Time,
-Shamelessly
Sara J
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